Dear Chris Brown,
I’d like to begin by thanking you for yet another inspiring and genuine contribution to misogyny in the 21st century. Your 2014 hit “Loyal” (Nic Nac, 2014) was a great treat. I especially enjoyed the generosity you displayed in providing us with an inside glance at your admirably rational thought process.
Let’s dig in. The first verse we are confronted with is the courtesy of Lil Wayne.
(Something about not being born last night, and that he noticed her guy was blowing up her phone the night he was with her.)
“Nigga, that’s that nerve
Why give a bitch your heart
When she rather have a purse?“
All I have to say to this is: most certainly yes. When given a choice between the bitter, chauvinistic, vulgar thing that is your heart, Mr. Wayne, and a bag to carry the ear plugs and alcohol I would need in the event that I’d have to listen to your whiny, ugly little voice for any amount of time, you can rest assured I would pick the purse… every time.
After some additional miscellaneous and unimportant contributions from Wayne that simply serve to establish the fact that all women are gold-digging, social climbing bitches, we are graced with words of wisdom from Mr. Brown; all of which basically just reaffirm the same theory.
“When a rich nigga want you
And your nigga can’t do nothing for ya
These hoes ain’t loyal
These hoes ain’t loyal
Yeah, yeah, let me see
Wait -did you just assume that I’m only attracted to men because of their money, call me a disloyal, money grubbing ho, and then ask me to simply brush it off and dance for your entertainment…? How exactly does that work?
Then, we have the very good fortune of hearing from Tyga:
“Rich young nigga
Name got bigger and my change got bigger
So my chains got bigger
Ferrari, Jaguar, switching four lanes
With the top down screaming out, “money ain’t a thing”
Hah, me and CB in the bay with her
Send her back home so you can lay with her
Okay, let’s talk about this ice that I’m carrying
All these karats like I’m a fucking vegetarian
Shout-out Weezy F., keep a red bone wet
Rose rolex, hoes on deck
She know I got a check
Do it too good when she ride that dick
Man I wouldn’t trust that bitch”
So really what I’m getting from this is that you’re so rich that I’m supposed to go weak in the knees and become a cheating ho; even though you sound like an annoyingly braggy and redundant pre-teen who has just discovered the concept of his allowance and his penis in the same week.
Am I missing something or is your main source of attraction extremely thin, relying completely on fiscal matters and ignoring entirely the factors of aesthetic, intellectual, and characteristic appeal?
Wow, no wonder you can’t find someone to be loyal to you. I can only hope, for her sake, that you don’t try to talk all that much… and that the sex is good.
Golly Chris (and company), I can’t possibly imagine why you’ve had such bad luck in finding a significant other. Could it perhaps be the fact that you’re simple-minded, sexist assholes who have no qualms with repeatedly degrading women with the voice of an angel and oh yes…. abusing them… physically, and for all to see (cue Rihanna’s face, circa 2009).
All lyrics are credited to Genius Lyrics.